On Sunday morning I was enjoying a lovely breakfast date with Lenny when I overheard an interesting conversation. Two travelers where discussing vegetarians, vegans and organic food and words such as “stupid”, “pathetic” and “ridiculous” were being thrown around. Naturally I thought to myself that these people have a point. Vegans happen to be some of the most haplessly zealous time-wasters of this century. Now let me explain to you exactly why this makes total sense.
Vegans are so loud
Have you ever met someone with an opinion? Well that person must have been A Vegan. Mere humans are famous for their lack of viewpoint and nonchalance, but not Vegans! After all, vegans have been known to start violent wars, launch drone strikes, deploy napalm over civilians and put people into concentration camps over something as silly as opinion.
Vegans are so pushy
Not only do the human-hate-bots want you to hear their opinions, they want to push them on you too. They are always reminding us of our dependence on the planet for survival and the consequences of our choices. It’s so illogical, we are the supreme human race and we will outlast the cockroaches.
Vegans are so exhausting
The parsnip punishers are living such a radical lifestyle that it’s so wearisome to be around them. They have such oversized hearts that they would go the extra 500 miles not to hurt another creature- and we have to watch them do it! I dream of the day when more people can just turn a blind eye to needless suffering so I can relax.
Vegans are so stingy
The self-proclaimed “vegan chef” never wants to cook with the good stuff. These just-as-gooders are always trying to convince us that life can be just as fantastic (and sweet) without the cruelty. From cupcakes to “cheese” it’s just an endless onslaught of sharing and caring with these people. If I get given another batch of hummus I am going to die- though not from cholesterol.
Vegans are such downers
With a supply of vegan sausages in tow, the carrot crackers are always trying to be optimistic at the Sunday braai. They want to be able to take part in all the normal people events and love to rub it in your face with their joy when they get it right.
Vegans are so explicit
The protein-less sticks seem to have a trove of video links memorized and perfect timing for the delivery of violent imagery to put you off that Big Mac.
Vegans are so relentless
Every time there is a horrific and unfair murdering of a elephant/rhino/tiger/lion or someone eats a precious dog I go into a fiery rage of Facebook statuses screaming for justice. Yet there is always a vegan on the sidelines waving a flag and trying to remind me that bacon has feelings too. Some animals are born more equal than others.
Vegans are so unhealthy
These barely alive spirulina snarfers with their oily skin and low energy levels somehow keep proclaiming the grass is greener. They blindly refuse to see the connection between heart disease and tofu. Between cancer and broccoli grown without sunlight and kept alive with antibiotics. It’s sad really, and so dangerous for their poor children.
Vegans are so brainless
The boring-burger-bunch is an unstoppable force of ridiculous facts. Just the other day a vegan told me that eating just one vegan meal saves about 3000 gallons of water. I was dumbfounded; how do you even argue with that non-logic?
Vegans are so compassionless
At the end of the day I can forgive the marmiters for being difficult, boring and obsessive but I can never forgive them for hating humans so much. They strive to get us riddled with guilt in their never ending thirst for bloodless peace. I hate the way they cling to their ridiculous lifestyle no matter how ridiculed and ostracized they are. Vegans with their white flags and save-the-whales/pigs/planet agenda, Ich!
